Publishing and Paolo the Pool Boy

I had a friend email me the other day and ask for the lowdown on how this whole book publishing thing works. Since I wrote it all out for her, I thought I might as well post it up here for any others who may be interested. Here goes.

Step 1: You have a genius idea. It's going to be the next Da Vinci Code.

Step 2: You write a two-page outline and send it to uber-agent.

Step 3: Uber-agent loves it! Thinks it is the next Da Vinci Code. Immediately contacts publishers.

Step 4: All publishers love it! Think it is the next Da Vinci Code. (Dan Brown's publisher is scared of your greatness).

Step 5: Bidding war ensues over your idea. Finally, you settle for a million dollar offer from Uber-Publisher.

Step 6: You write book. It flows out of you like fine wine - brilliant, utterly brilliant!

Step 7: You get an AMAZING cover. Oprah interviews you. Dan Brown sobs that he wishes he'd written your book. He becomes so desolate that he needs theraphy. You lend him a shoulder to cry on.

Step 8: You become filthy rich and marry a buff pool boy named Paolo (or if you are male, a sexy cabaret girl named Tiffany). You are only twenty-five.

Step 9: You are made a U.N. Goodwill Ambassador and tour the world with Bono and Angelina Jolie.

Step 10: You wake up from the coma you fell into after receiving your 277th rejection, which said your brilliant idea was 'Da Vinci Code as written by a lobotomized rabbit on heroin', and realize that the past ten years have been a figment of your comatose brain.

Step 11: You ask doctor to put you back in coma as you were about to discover the cure for cancer and win the Nobel Prize.